When I entered my high school, being assigned to sit beside the window, I met the boy who acted the leading role in my secret love scene.
He sat beside me. He is certainly a smart boy. His talent in learning and stable behavior seems absolutely attractive to some girls. Unfortunately, I was one of the victims for his charm.
It was the first time for me to like a boy. Maybe somebody think I am joking for it was too late to think of love, but it is true. During the times we sat together I always performed proud and cool before him as if he was the air in the atmosphere. He was smart but a little shy boy and inward. He spoke little all day and seldom smiled.
Time flied. I and he were apart the next semester. He sat in the last row of the classroom while I was sitting in the mid row and in another line. But I could not help missing him though I still acted cool and rarely spoke to him, so I did ridiculous thing to see him after classes. It is to go to the washing room. So I went out through the hind door to the toilet every rest between classes. It was too stupid, was not it? I tried to be outstanding when he was present and spoke radical words about things to attract his attention. All I thought that time was getting his attention.
As I referred above, I was only one of the victims and was a timid girl inside my heart. But a pretty girl was fascinated by him too. (When I think of it now, I admire her very much.) She was much braver than I was. She began to ask him questions and discuss problems with him more and more often. At the end of the second semester in my high school’s life, I lost the right to love him—he was another one’s boyfriend.
My heart broke when I saw them walking hand in hand at night on the grassy playground of our school. I could not hear what friends beside me said. I was definitely deaf at such time.
I lost myself then. What I could think was nothing.
A substitute for the love
I even didn’t know how I had finished the final examines at the end of the second semester. Of course, it was an awful tablet with low scores on it when my parents open the letter containing the results of the final tests. They didn’t say anything but shaking their heads. I had nothing to say either. What can I say? What can I do?
It was a short and long time for me to spend the summer vacation. I felt agonizing so the time is hard to kill and the holiday seemed very long. But when it ended, I didn’t want to go to school, and felt the holiday is too short to forget the first secret love. But life is life no matter what you are feeling. Life was continuing and everything ran orderly though my heart was disordered.
It was lucky that I was arranged to sit far away from him and Icy sitting with me. She was a cute girl with short hair and shining eyes. And Sun and Windy sat at front of us. They both were good boys—good learning, clever mind and comfortable looking. Sun sat at front of me, so we talked a lot after classes. I was successfully off the stupid habit but could not erase all the feelings about him. I couldn’t concentrate on my studying all the time.
Then I did a cold-blooded thing: that was I tried to fall love with Sun. It was not difficult for he was an excellent boy worthy being loved. I spent more and more time with him. Gradually I didn’t feel miserable thinking of the first secret love and longer and longer gap to think of it. I was happy that I could work hard on studying again. But I did not notice Sun’s feeling those times. And I thought this shameful thing would be hidden in my heart and nobody would know it.
A semester passed quickly with my hard work. I got a high score at the end, as I was expected. A happy vacation with my parents ran fast and I did not communicate with Sun during the vacation. I didn’t want to be involved in love in my high school then. And it was easier for me to forget those happy times with Sun than the first secret love. I succeeded. When the new term began, I was the girl only concerning the study.
Continuing…
An unexpected love
When I started my new term with an aggressive spirit, I ignored anything else in my life. Soon the unexpected Valentine’s Day came without any illusion to me. When I found an anonymous chocolate in my drawer, I got it out to share with Sun and Windy and Icy. I did not ask for the one who sent it for it meant nothing to me, and did not care the others except myself. Unfortunately I received a letter after the rest at noon. It was from Sun. Following the instruction, I came to the stadium after supper. I could finish my meal in 5 minutes at that time because I wanted to save more spare time to study. To a person who would appreciate time like this, you could not require her to be patient to other things she didn’t care for (Maybe just an excuse to relief myself).
I came punctually but he was waiting there. I had nothing to say and he suggested taking a walk. After finished two too tranquil circles of walk, no talk no smile just walking and walking, I became impatient and could not bear the atmosphere there. I suddenly quested in an unfriendly tune that why he asked me to be there. This abrupt question made him in a mess and blushed. Though I was not a sensitive girl, I became to think the possibility that he liked me. I became afraid and said determinately that I had to go back to study. I was afraid what I should do if he said that.
That was the first time that I could not concentrate on my books and exercises since the beginning of this semester. After several hours I had done little. The book stayed on the same page as time went by. I stared at them but thought nothing in my mind.
A note passed from Sun that “I like you”. I felt sacred. How I hoped that it was not true. I did not want to hurt him, but I cannot accept him for the fear that love would affect the study and I was afraid that I would not return my love to him as the same as he could do. How I shuddered when I saw the sorrow and hurt in his eyes at the stadium when I said these words. I could not repay her love definitely, at least at that time. I disregard the note hoping our life would return to the previous mode without my reaction.
But sadly, another note was passed down to me that “Do you like me”. I had nothing but confronted the current status. What should I do? My mind could not run well for he was not a stranger but the one who I used to like, or just to say, I tried to love.
Continuing…
The final scene
I called for help from Icy as she was my best friend then. Stand by can see more clear. I told her the whole thing. She was a little surprised and began to analyze for me. Thanks to her! I could not be at risk of losing in the college entrance test for I did not want to depress my parents and myself, especially for a boy even maybe I did not love him. Standing on this fact, I refused him by sending a note that “I don’t like him”. It was true that I was a egoistic girl, but I was a obedient girl at the same time. I only love my family and myself.
Sun was angered by this, his reaction made me feel terrible. As the weekend came round, Sun invited I and Icy to see a film. I had no excuse to avoid this. When sitting at the cinema, I found they two matched each other perfectly. On our way back home, I made a joke that they should be together for they were so matching. Sun became dumb but said nothing.
Since then, we three became aloof and we never sat together again during the extra high school life. This situation had lasted to the end. We took the college entrance test, came back home waiting for the result. I was peaceful at that time for I thought I had tried my best. One day, Sun telephoned me. We had a short talk both worrying the result. At last, he asked me if I could give him another chance. I had no response. After a struggle against a heavy physical test and psychological burden, I was tired of anything in the world. All I wanted was a leisure life filled with sleeping and eating. I said nothing, may be I should say I had none thought in my mind. This was the last communication between us in the next three years.
The scores came out. I got a high score as everyone expected. Choosing a satisfied university in the north, I began my college life. He got a lower but also good score and stayed in the south. Then we never connected each other in the following three years.
One day I heard from a friend that they two Sun and Icy became lovers. Hung up the phone, I thought of the past, the hard studying days, the sweet love accompanying with pain, etc. All the things happened seems like a millennium ago. All these become a memory which is only a memory and will never happen again.
Ending
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